THREE HUNDRED MILES AN HOUR

Having no talent is no longer enough
-Gore Vidal

Well, the better half of The Art Director and Mayhem duo is off to San Francisco. Last i heard, Mayhem was planning to go to Chicago, get married to the rock musician Trashy Feelgood in a ceremony in Vegas, and spend some time living in the gutter. However, in the world of Mayhem, even the most concrete and sensible plans can go awry.

She rings me at five thirty in the morning, freaking out because she's been asked to make a video for a certain famous US-based musician. You have to help me Art Director, she says. I'm freaking out. Cutting a long, yet fascinating story short, she met a certain music producer at an after party, but is sworn to secrecy about the project.

He will pick Mz Mayhem up from her hotel in LA. In a convertible Mustang, no less.

I want his midlife crisis, i tell her.

Avid readers may remember the Art Director also planned to drive Mayhem about in a convertible Mustang, for the documentary film The Maestro. I also planned to make her a star. Well, she has that kind of effect on people, OK? In the end we settled for a 64 Falcon coupe, and a screening at a film festival. Not exactly the cover of Whom magazine, but there it is.

It's very Goats Head Soup, circa 1972. Every man is the same come on, I'll make you a star,
I'll take you a million myles from all this...

Oh, it's a familiar pattern, the midlife crisis. Anyhow, Mayhem has a good idea for the video clip. When she calls again, i give her my best advice. Give it your best shot. And cut a show reel. Go on. (We are always saying "go on" to one another. Which tends to land us in a bit of bother now and then.) I'll write a treatment and a budget, i say. And, if it doesn't work out - well, you've always got the gutter. But then her MySpace fiancee Trashy divorces her!

"Not only am i divorced, Art Director, but i've been deleted," says Mayhem. Deleted from Trashy's MySpace friends list! How mortifying. Mr Feelgood was obviously not living up to his name on that day.

Mayhem has an mp3 of the song. She plays it to me down the phone. She is under strict instructions not to let it out of her iBook.

It is a fucking great song.